HIGH ELF ESTEEM

Hannukah is not nearly so weird a holiday

There are some Christmas traditions that really grind my gears. I don’t mind the Japanese custom of eating Kentucky Fried Chicken, but I can do without a Ukrainian-style Christmas tree decorated with cobwebs and spider ornaments. That’s more of an infestation than a festival to me.

When I was a kid, the song “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” gave me the heebie jeebies. I mean, “He sees you when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake…” Why not sing the quiet part out loud? He SEES you in your underwear, he watches you in the bathtub. These verses hounded my sister and I to dress in the closet, far from Santa’s peering, Peeping Claus eyes.

Horrifying.

The Christmas creepies didn’t end with my childhood. My son received a book one Christmas titled “The Elf on the Shelf.” It came with a disquieting knee-hugging elf figure that you’re supposed to keep in your child’s room. The storybook explains that when your kid goes to sleep this elf will fly up to the North Pole and tell Santa whether he’s been naughty or nice.

To add deceit to the mix, the parent’s job is to move the little figurine so when your kid wakes up he will think that the elf actually dropped a dime on him.

I read this book to my son and he HATED it. He asked me for a tiny elf-sized blindfold and a piece of rope to tie the elf up. He didn’t want to share his room with a narc.

Begone, elf!

I had a job for several years as a Christmas elf at a shopping mall in New Jersey. My job was to dress up in an elf costume and escort kids through Santa Land, where I would take photos of kids sitting on St. Nick’s lap.

The best Santa I worked with used to invite me back to the dressing room of the tuxedo rental shop and encourage me to take shots of Bushmills on our break. When he got a greedy brat with an endless list of demands, he’d give the kid a pinch. That Santa later became a priest.

Now who’s naughty?

If you think the U.S. is alone in weird traditions like lying about elves or putting your children on the knees of strange men with fake beards who pinch, other countries are just as odd.

In Austria, on December 6th men dress up as Krampus, who is the Bad Cop to St. Nick’s Good Cop. Krampus is known for beating and pinching misbehaving children. They wear scary devil masks and hit people with sticks, most likely after first hitting the bottle.

“Greetings from Krampus!”

In Spain, especially in the region of Catalonia, a Caganer is a special addition to the traditional Nativity creche. Caganer means “shitter” or “shitting guy” in Spanish. It is a small figure, squatting with his knickers at his knees, dropping a yard biscuit shaped like a Dairy Queen soft serve at his heels. The dung-depositing dude is meant to signify the humanity of Christ, and is supposed to bring fertility and prosperity.

Every Christmas season, Spanish markets sell Caganers, and some of the most popular Caganers are of well-known pop cultural figures like Lionel Messi, Batman, King Charles III, Pope Leo and Labubu.

I have a Caganer collection of which I am enormously fond. I even found a Caganer dressed as a doctor, which I gave to my neurologist. You can purchase your own Yuletide loggers at www.caganer.com.

Elf caganers. The circle is complete.

Another version of Festive Feces is the caga tio, meaning “uncle poop.” A caga tio is a hollow log with a face painted on it, propped up on four stubby legs. It is a version of the Yule log, but you won’t see one like this broadcast on local TV for the holidays. On Christmas Eve, the log is beaten, like a piñata, and it poops out candies and nuts. When there is nothing left to squeeze out, a salted herring is removed from the caga tió and all the guests join in and eat it together. Don’t make the mistake I did one year and beat your actual Uncle Cookie, you won’t like what comes out. Happy Christmas to all.

And to all a good night! What’s your opinion of the Caganers and other holiday horrors? Please share your Christmas and Holiday traditions, disgusting or not, in the comments.